Jokes one by one

[p u r n i m a]

[Joke of 22-Nov-2008]

Installing a Carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.(small slender long-tailed parrot)''

[MORE SOME OTHER DAY..........so plz wait......]

[p u r n i m a]

[Joke of 23-Nov-2008.]

What If Titanic sank Today? (2002)

Reaction from different countries:
U.S.A:
"A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists. We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson. Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide, we will find you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network." (President Bush........who else?)


U.K:
""I have spoken to the President of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of Titanic is significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with." (Prime Minister Blair)

Iraq:
"LOL!!!" (President Saddam Hussain)

Israel:
"These Hamas and other terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of Titanic is not an accident but it was their suicide bombers who have commited such a crime.We will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them, starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps." (Ariel Sharon)

Canada:
"Titanic who?" (Canadian Prime Minister)

India:
"Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. We have received passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic debris. Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying more soldiers to the border." (Prime Minister Vajpayee)

Pakistan:
"Sindh me Double Sawari per ghair muayyana muddat ke liye pabandi" (President Musharraf)

UN:
"Shit happens right??" (Sec.Gen. Kofi Annan)

Survivors: "Uhh. Helllooo. Is anyone listening...it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."

:clap::clap:
---------------------------------------
[next after a day, so plz wait.....]

[Princess]

Good ones Purnima!!
:clap:

[p u r n i m a]

[Joke of 25-Nov-2008]

Read It. Its Good

People usually ask obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

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2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia. Why don't you try again?

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3. At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

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4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Paneer Butter Masala" dish good?
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit on it.

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5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years.
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

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6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying well?
Answer: No, he's a miserable wife beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

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7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.
And you thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.

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8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding.

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9.At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it won’t. It will just bleed.

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10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames

:clap::clap:

[next after a day or two, so plz wait......]

[risky]

sabhi rangergi mein hai koi hindi mein hota toh hum samenj saketai :(

[Princess]

Hahahahahaha
:D :D :D
these are too good...loved each one of them

[p u r n i m a]

Thanks Princess.
Here is one in Hindi Fonts for risky sir;

एक बार कुछ मुसाफ़ीर पानी के जहाज़ से सफ़र कर रहे थे.
किनारा सामने ही दीखाई दे रहा था.
लोग जहाज़ के तुतक पर खडे हुए कीनारे को देख रहे थे के एक छोटा सा बच्चा पानी में जा गीरा.
भग दौड मच गइ, औरते चिल्लाने लगी,
"कोई मेरे लाल को बचाओ" की चीखें सुनाने लगी
इतने में एक प्रोढ पुरुष ने समंदर में छलांग लगाइ, और तेरता हुआ बच्चे के पास गया और उसे बचा लिया.
जब किनारे पहुंच कर ये बात सब को मालुम हुइ तो पत्रकरो ने प्रोढ पुरुष से पूछा:
"चाचा आप को बधाई हो, इतने सारे लोगों में सिर्फ़ आप हि हिम्मतवाले थे के आप ने समंदर में कूद कर बच्चे को बचा लिय, धन्यवाद, आप कुछ केहना चहोगे ?"

प्रोढ पुरुष ने कहा;" मैं तो सिर्फ़ इतना जान ना चहूंगा के, कीस साले ने मुझे धक्का दिया था"

[risky]

Thanks Princess.
Here is one in Hindi Fonts for risky sir;

एक बार कुछ मुसाफ़ीर पानी के जहाज़ से सफ़र कर रहे थे.
किनारा सामने ही दीखाई दे रहा था.
लोग जहाज़ के तुतक पर खडे हुए कीनारे को देख रहे थे के एक छोटा सा बच्चा पानी में जा गीरा.
भग दौड मच गइ, औरते चिल्लाने लगी,
"कोई मेरे लाल को बचाओ" की चीखें सुनाने लगी
इतने में एक प्रोढ पुरुष ने समंदर में छलांग लगाइ, और तेरता हुआ बच्चे के पास गया और उसे बचा लिया.
जब किनारे पहुंच कर ये बात सब को मालुम हुइ तो पत्रकरो ने प्रोढ पुरुष से पूछा:
"चाचा आप को बधाई हो, इतने सारे लोगों में सिर्फ़ आप हि हिम्मतवाले थे के आप ने समंदर में कूद कर बच्चे को बचा लिय, धन्यवाद, आप कुछ केहना चहोगे ?"

प्रोढ पुरुष ने कहा;" मैं तो सिर्फ़ इतना जान ना चहूंगा के, कीस साले ने मुझे धक्का दिया था"



hahahahahaha purnima tum nahi sudheroo gi muje pata thaa voh tum thee jis ne muje dhaka dilwaya thaa :( gandhi bachee

[Princess]

gandhi bachee ?????

Hmmm

[p u r n i m a]

hahahahahaha purnima tum nahi sudheroo gi muje pata thaa voh tum thee jis ne muje dhaka dilwaya thaa :( gandhi bachee

"गंदी बच्ची' विशेषण देने का आभार, धक्का मैंने नहीं मारा था, वो तो आप की उमर का तकाज़ा था के इस उमर में तूतक "deck" पर खडा नहीं रेहना चाहीये, अक्सर लोग फीसल जाते हैं.
॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰॰
एक और (लतीफ़ा) "joke" पढीयें.......

हमारे गावँ में एक शख्श लालाजी को गेंडा केह कर पुकारा करता था.

लालाजी ने उस पर कचहेरी में दावा ठोक दीया.

जज्ज ने फ़ैसला सुनाया के "आप लालाजी को आयेंदा गेंडा केह कर नहीं पुकार सकते"

वो शख्श ने जज्ज से पुछा:" क्या मैं गेंडे को लालाजी केह सक्ता हुं ?"

जज्ज: हाँ तूम गेंडे को लालाजी केह सकते हो

तो झट से वो शख्श लालाजी की तरफ़ मुडा और बोला "नमस्ते, लालाजी !"

[risky]

u uuuuuuuuu funny doll kahan se lati hai yah sab subah subah hashee dai jati hoo god bless you

[p u r n i m a]

Mechanic & Surgeon

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the engine of a motor car,
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute".
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts,
and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money,
when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to doing it when the engine is running".

[p u r n i m a]

Bush & School Boy

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
After his talk he invites questions.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name.

"Billy!"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions," says the boy.
"First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name.

"Steve!"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?;
and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
---------------------------------------------
:clap:

[p u r n i m a]

"Sardar Jokes"

Santa was having trouble with his computer. So he called the computer guy, over to his desk.
He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Santa called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error."
A puzzled expression ran over Santa`s face. "An "ID ten T" error? What`s that?.. in case I need to fix it again."
"Haven`t you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?"
"No," replied Santa.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you`ll figure it out."
He wrote..... I D 1 0 T

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A sardar used to go college with his dog.
After few years he had to go alone.
Why?
Because the dog graduated..!

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Sardar bought a new mobile.
He called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

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Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College.
Banta : Really, what is he studying,
Santa : No he is not studying, they are Studying him.

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Santa falls in luv with a nurse...After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

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Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write for mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!

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Santa went out to buy an Indian flag.
The shop owner gave him the flag.
Guess what did he ask next... Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.

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Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

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Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

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Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

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Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases theboard.

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Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: No, u'll die b'coz haven't u heard train is coming on platform?

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Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

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Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

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What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

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Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.

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Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever
What comes first - the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

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Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?

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Sardar Gambles
Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed.
"What happened ?" asked Surjit.
"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . "
"How come ?"
"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV.
"I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."
" But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?"
" Yaar, I bet on the highlights too "

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:clap::clap:

[risky]

funny doll main madho ko kahoo ga ke radio start karai yahan or ush main purnima ka spl channel rakhai jis mein funny doll ke jokes .:p

[p u r n i m a]

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
-------------------------------------------------

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

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[Princess]

Great share Purnima... God bless you

[p u r n i m a]

Thanks Princess.

WHO NEEDS MEDICINES ?

One day Ramu Kaka went to a Doctor and asked him to prescribe any medicine for Jamuna Kaki.

Dr. ask Ramu Kaka : what is wrong with your wife ?

Ramu Kaka : She have lost her hearing power.

Dr. : I can not prescribe any medicine without physical examination of her ear-drum.

Ramu Kaka : but, Dr. she will never come to any Doctor.

Dr. : Ok, I suggest you to perform a test of her hearing capability and let me know , from how far she do not hear any sound.


So Ramu Kaka return home and drew few lines on floor at measurement of 20 ft., 15 ft., 10 ft. and 5 feet afar from Kitchen.

THEN....

Ramu Kaka stepped on line of 20 Ft and ask Jamuna Kaki " what are you cooking for today's lunch ?"

No reply from Kaki was heard.

Ramu Kaka stepped on line of 15 feet and asked the same question.

No reply from Kaki was heard,as well.

Ramu Kaka came to line of 10 ft and Asked the same question.

Yet no reply from Kaki.

Finally Ramu Kaka stepped to line of 5 feet and asked " What you are cooking for today's lunch ?"

Ramu Kaka heard that Jamuna Kaki is saying " I have replied you three times that "today I am cooking Potato and Dal", why you are asking same question !!

:clap:
------------------------------------------------

GEORGE & CONDI(in 2006)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

----:wub: [ t u b e l i g h t ] ----:wub:

[Princess]

Have read the "HU" joke before.... but it is a big laugh

Loved Ramu Kaka one... :D

[p u r n i m a]

There's a parrot on the plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

------------------------------------------------

I deserve a first class seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;
the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Trouble with plane engines.

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

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:clap: :clap: [t u b e l i g h t]

[Princess]

Too Good.... Made my day!! :D

[p u r n i m a]

That's nice.

A blind pilot is flying this plane?

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft,
we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats
in front of him throughout the entire flight.
I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name,
said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.
Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up
and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes
but also trying to change airlines!

------------------------------------------------

Don't be on this flight

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

What was the problem before?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

----------------------------------------------------------------
There was a place crash in Poland

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far,
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

------------------------------------------------------------------
There are lawyers on the flight.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the
passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

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:clap: :clap: [ t u b e - l i g h t ]

[p u r n i m a]

Flying without a parachute

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back.
As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches,
he realizes his options are limited;
he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down.

The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet,
another man goes shooting up past him.
In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells,
"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

The whole world could be happy

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists
to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

------------------------------------------------------------

:clap::clap:[ t u b e - l i g h t ]

[risky]

:p hahahahahaha kahan se lati hoo yah sab

[p u r n i m a]

लाना कहाँ से है....
"net" का समन्दर भरा हुआ है, ऐसे चुटकलों से

[Princess]

Loved the blind pilot one...

Thanks for sharing Purnima.

[p u r n i m a]

Everyone wants to buy it


Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer "why such a large crowd was gathered here?"

The farmer replied,” Billy Bob’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”

“I see,” Gary said. “Well, she must have had a lot of friends.”

“Naw,” the farmer said, “we just all want to buy his mule.”

------------------------------------------------



Applied Mathematics


The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.

4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves Just two people to do the work.
You and me.

And you’re just sitting there reading jokes all day!

----------------------------------------

:clap::clap: [ t u b e - l i g h t ]

[p u r n i m a]

I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
"Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A bet made at the local bar


A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar.
As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in.
Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender.
The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender,
"I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees.
The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins.
The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass.
When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece, that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What causes people to have arthritis?


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The customs of an Irishman


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

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:clap: :clap: [ t u b e - l i g h t ]